now is a good time to panic

a terrible date

So I read this dating blog called Adventures in Babysitting… Men. (Go check it out. This bitch is hilarious) It has inspired me to share a story with you. I went on a terrible date once, and my experience will entertain you, so here you go.

As a little background, I grew up in a very conservative area. The guy taking me on a date was black. I am white. In the real world, this is not a problem and nobody cares, because it’s 2012. In this area, people probably won’t say anything (probably), but they definitely notice.

First, we had to coordinate our meeting. He was going to take a break from work for about 45 minutes, and I was going to meet up with him in the middle of running my errands (which included going to the gym). He suggested going to a chain burger place, and I was okay with that, because I could just wear my hoodie and yoga pants. He insisted that since he was going to be dressed nicely in work clothes, I also had to be dressed nicely. Workout gear was not acceptable. I pointed out (reasonably, I feel), that if he was taking me to a burger joint, I am not dressing up. We went back and forth for another minute before he realized that yes, I am totally serious, and then he decided on a gourmet wine and sandwich shop.

I dress nicely, in a pink dress with gold jewelry/gold skinny belt/gold clutch and brown riding boots. I looked adorable. I get there like two minutes late and he’s already there. Good sign. He’s on the phone when I walk in, and when I get to the table he KEEPS TALKING. He didn’t greet me or stand up or anything. I stood there, waiting to be acknowledged for about THREE MINUTES. That’s a long ass time to stand there like an asshole. I begin a mental debate between how hungry I am vs how much rudeness I’m willing to subject myself to. Just as I’m about to turn around and leave, he hangs up. He says hello and I sit down… but still didn’t stand up or pull out my chair or hug me or anything.

He starts talking about work and I finally interrupt to ask if someone is going to bring us a menu or what. He says no, there’s menus at the counter and that’s where you order food. I ask where the counter is and he points in its general direction (really? He couldn’t walk me the fifteen steps to the counter and show me how this works?). I get up and when he stays seated, I ask if he’s going to eat. He said yes, but he ALREADY ORDERED. Are you fucking serious. I ordered and came back to the table and he keeps talking, checking his phone every two or three minutes… because clearly I’m boring.

It all got worse from there. I mentioned that this was in a conservative, racist, republican area. As we’re eating, some lady and her husband come in. She stares at me, then my date, them me, then my date. Her husband is whatever about it, but she’s clearly upset. My date busts out all loud with ‘YES, SHE’S WHITE AND I’M BLACK. IS THAT OKAY?’ Jesus fucking Christ.
I don’t feel I need to keep going with this. You get the idea. It was terrible. That is all for today. Reliving my crap date was punishment for abandoning you guys for a while. I missed you, and it’s nice to be back.


near death by basketball

I almost died at the gym. Some guys were playing basketball close to where I get my towels. I was walking by and one guy missed a pass and I nearly got hit in the face with the ball. Some other dude palmed it in the air like three inches from my beautiful nose and saved my life.

If my face gets ruined, then I’ll have to rely on my personality to get by in life… then I’m fucked, because I’m kind of an asshole.

PS: I made that comment to my dad and he laughed in my face and asked ‘you think you’ve gotten this far in life on THOSE looks?!’ Thanks, dad. At least I come by my assholery honestly.

poor braxton

So I received an email yesterday:

Good afternoon! I just wanted to make you aware that Braxton has failed to turn in 4 of the last 7 math homework assignments. He says he completed it but then forgets to bring it to school. He is also having a difficult time paying attention in my math class. He is such a bright young man and I do not want him to fall behind. Please discuss this with him at home and let me know if you have any questions. Thank you! Have a good evening!

Amanda W.
4th grade math teacher

I decided to reply:

Hello, Amanda!

Poor Braxton. He sounds like a handful. We’ve all been there… typically not until middle or high school, though.

Unfortunately, this is the wrong email address. I don’t have any children. My house is clean and quiet, I cook gourmet meals instead of chicken nuggets, I drive a nice car instead of a minivan with Cheerios mashed into the floorboards and juice stains on the seats, and I can afford vacations to Paris, Greece, and Hawaii instead of Disney World.

Have you considered squirting him in the face with a spray bottle of water and shouting ‘NO!’ when he fails to turn in his assignments? It worked for my dog when I was training him to stay off the couch.

Good luck!


…she has not yet replied.

dog paradox

This is courtesy of the best website ever. It will have you snorting your morning coffee through your nose.

my dad found a black widow spider in the yard



Here is an ant as seen under an electron microscope. Like a grumpy old man. The creepy one that takes your cousin Dave down to the basement and makes him wear dresses.




stupid crocs
7 September 2012, 12:00 pm
Filed under: nonsense | Tags: , , ,

Okay, so I have a thing about crocs. I hate them. I hate them with my whole heart. I have never thought they were cool or cute or comfortable. I think they’re hideous. They are PLASTIC SLIP ON SHOES. How did they ever become trendy? More importantly, why are they still around? What is wrong with us? They’re AWFUL. Unless you are working in an operating room or gardening outside, there is no reason you should be wearing them. Make a commitment to flip flops or shoes. Crocs are an unholy hybrid and they should be banned. FOREVER.

I normally don’t get worked up about things, but this is serious. I am serious. Start a movement.


%d bloggers like this: