now is a good time to panic


adventure at the beach (in pictures)

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a terrible date

So I read this dating blog called Adventures in Babysitting… Men. (Go check it out. This bitch is hilarious) It has inspired me to share a story with you. I went on a terrible date once, and my experience will entertain you, so here you go.

As a little background, I grew up in a very conservative area. The guy taking me on a date was black. I am white. In the real world, this is not a problem and nobody cares, because it’s 2012. In this area, people probably won’t say anything (probably), but they definitely notice.

First, we had to coordinate our meeting. He was going to take a break from work for about 45 minutes, and I was going to meet up with him in the middle of running my errands (which included going to the gym). He suggested going to a chain burger place, and I was okay with that, because I could just wear my hoodie and yoga pants. He insisted that since he was going to be dressed nicely in work clothes, I also had to be dressed nicely. Workout gear was not acceptable. I pointed out (reasonably, I feel), that if he was taking me to a burger joint, I am not dressing up. We went back and forth for another minute before he realized that yes, I am totally serious, and then he decided on a gourmet wine and sandwich shop.

I dress nicely, in a pink dress with gold jewelry/gold skinny belt/gold clutch and brown riding boots. I looked adorable. I get there like two minutes late and he’s already there. Good sign. He’s on the phone when I walk in, and when I get to the table he KEEPS TALKING. He didn’t greet me or stand up or anything. I stood there, waiting to be acknowledged for about THREE MINUTES. That’s a long ass time to stand there like an asshole. I begin a mental debate between how hungry I am vs how much rudeness I’m willing to subject myself to. Just as I’m about to turn around and leave, he hangs up. He says hello and I sit down… but still didn’t stand up or pull out my chair or hug me or anything.

He starts talking about work and I finally interrupt to ask if someone is going to bring us a menu or what. He says no, there’s menus at the counter and that’s where you order food. I ask where the counter is and he points in its general direction (really? He couldn’t walk me the fifteen steps to the counter and show me how this works?). I get up and when he stays seated, I ask if he’s going to eat. He said yes, but he ALREADY ORDERED. Are you fucking serious. I ordered and came back to the table and he keeps talking, checking his phone every two or three minutes… because clearly I’m boring.

It all got worse from there. I mentioned that this was in a conservative, racist, republican area. As we’re eating, some lady and her husband come in. She stares at me, then my date, them me, then my date. Her husband is whatever about it, but she’s clearly upset. My date busts out all loud with ‘YES, SHE’S WHITE AND I’M BLACK. IS THAT OKAY?’ Jesus fucking Christ.
I don’t feel I need to keep going with this. You get the idea. It was terrible. That is all for today. Reliving my crap date was punishment for abandoning you guys for a while. I missed you, and it’s nice to be back.



abbey gets gay(er)

 

I haven’t had anything interesting happen this week so I thought this would be a good time for me to take time and talk about Katie. As you all know she is a pretty awesome person and is very open to talking about her life. It takes a very strong person to share their own life with people you may or may not know. It’s half courage and half crazy to be able to hit that submit button not knowing what kind of reaction you’re going to get.
 
Moving on. I met Katie at my first duty station in Japan. I met through her a mutual female friend that I have lost contact with. Although I lost contact with her, about the best thing that mutual friend did for me was introduce me to Katie. I never knew what the true feeling and meaning of a best friend really was until I met her. I have lots of close friends, but Katie was one of the first best friends that I realized she was beyond just a close friend. I had found a soul sister. I was already that person that was full of life and fun to be around, but Katie always brought out the best in me. We were like Forest and Jenny, peas and carrots. Once we became close friends there was never really a time we went longer than a day without seeing each other. If we did it was only because we were on leave or on a trip somewhere. Other than that, we were a duo…a two’fer if you will. If I was invited somewhere, Katie automatically was invited by me whether other people liked it or not. It wasn’t always fun and games because while I was at Yokota I had definitely endured some hardships. The death of two grandparents and the separation of my parents.

 

Not only could Katie and I have the best of times, but in times of need she was there for me too. If I was in need of a hug, she would be there with open arms and not care if my non-waterproof mascara would bleed on her shirt, b/c she knew I needed her. We were fortunate enough to be roomed in the dorms just literally two rooms down from each other, so needless to say there were lots of times when I would come busting in Kramer-style full of craziness to say, and she would listen, put her two cents in, and laugh with me as well.
 
After I left Yokota, Katie and I did lose contact for a bit. Being in the military it happens sometimes because time zones, schedules, and everything in between just takes up your time. Never once did I worry if we would ever lose contact or just not be friends anymore due to distance, because I knew that eventually we would find that time to connect again and it would be as if nothing even happened. In my opinion that’s the meaning of a true friendship. Katie and I have re-connected again and we talk weekly now. I love this girl to death and if you all ever had the opportunity to meet her, you would not be disappointed. She’s a great cook and has great style and personality, and if you treat her and the people she cares for with respect, I guarantee you will have a friend for life.
 
Katie…K-nasty…I love the shit outta you! In the words of the song from Toy Story “You’ve got a friend in me”…for life! Thank you for being one of the first people I met (after high school) that helped me find who I was and what kind of person I was meant to be. You definitely played a part in the Abbey I am today, and I’m truly thankful. Thank you for always allowing me to be as crazy as I wanted whether you were laughing with me or at me, but thank you for laughing and not criticizing. You are the bomb!!
 
All my love,
 
Abbeykins

 



menfolk
17 June 2012, 8:30 am
Filed under: life in general, looooove | Tags: , , , ,

Let’s talk about men today. All kinds of men. I love them. I adore men. They’re so USEFUL. They move couches, open jars, program the time on the DVD/VCR thing, kill bugs, hook up entertainment systems… and they always know what all the remotes do when you go to other people’s houses. Also, they always clean their plates and say nice things.

Like most women, I have demands for my man. We all want a significant other with a job, and we want them to be good looking and kind and funny. There’s a few little things, too, though, that can’t be forgotten in the search for a soulmate.

I’ve always wanted a man that will give foot rubs. I’ve had one of those men, and it didn’t very happen often, but when it did I was in heaven. Also, it would be AMAZING if they would help me paint my toes. I already have back problems, and leaning over my knees and attempting to paint my toenails while my back spasms and knots REALLY blows. I’ve haven’t been surprised nearly enough. I’m talking about good surprises, though… not the ‘by the way I got drunk and slept with your sister’ kind of surprises. Nobody wants those. I need a few compliments on my cooking once in a while, and when I ask ‘what do you want to do today?’ I actually need an answer. Saying ‘I don’t know, what do YOU want to do?’ EVERY SINGLE TIME is not okay. That’s too much pressure on me. I don’t want to do the planning 100% of the time. Be creative, because sometimes I’m just not up to it.

I have a few pet peeves, too. I HATE when men get out of the shower and the mirror is fogged up, so they wipe it with their hand. It not only fogs right back up, now it’s smeared. Awesome. Dishes abandoned in the sink sucks big time. Nobody wants to wake up to a sinkful of dirty dishes and fruit flies. That’s gross. Leaving things around the house that don’t belong there, like a  pair of shoes and a stack of library books on the kitchen counter, or clothing and dirty dishes on the coffee table. Things like those bug the shit out of me. This is probably one of the leading reasons why I don’t have and don’t want children.

I know all man AND women have a list of demands. What are yours?



the high road
18 March 2012, 1:06 pm
Filed under: looooove | Tags: , , , , , , , , ,

 

Hello everyone! Welcome to the only post that will even have a tiny bit of drama in it :)

 

I’m not a religious person, by any means. I don’t go to church, or even own a bible. If there is some higher power, the two of us are cool with each other. I try to just go along to get along, and treat people well. I was raised (very well, in my opinion), with a clear set of morals and values, and my father and mother made sure to demonstrate to me every single day how I was to expect to be treated by a man.

 

I grew up watching my father trudge outside warm up my mother’s car for her when it was below zero before she had even emerged from their bedroom. He made her breakfast every morning (oatmeal with chocolate soy milk and banana), brewed pots of tea to send to work with her so she could have a hot drink all day, and complimented her cooking and cleaned the kitchen every single night. There were never raised voices or insults in my home, and it’s clear to everyone who meets them that they are perfectly matched, balanced, and deeply in love. There is no doubt in my mind as to what constitutes respect and support.

 

Unfortunately, very few men can measure up to my father. That is okay with me, because I’ve been taught how to weed out the undesirables. Ever since I could talk, my dad had me repeating ‘Men are scum and women are trouble’ to anyone that would listen. This morning he informed me that ‘you’ve gotta eat a lot of crap sandwiches before you find the meat’. That’s a new one to me, but I guess he’s been accumulating pearls of wisdom all these years :)

 

Last month I ended a two and a half year relationship. Things had deteriorated to the point that they simply could not be salvaged, and so I called it quits. I’ve gotten a lot of questions and criticism and hassle about it, but I stand by my decision. I did what was right for me, and as time goes my and my name gets dragged through the mud, it only reinforces that I made the right choice.

 

I’ve been very careful to not talk shit, and to be respectful, but it’s hard. It’s hard when there are accusations thrown to the internet about my character and past actions, and it’s hard to defend myself when love has turned to ugly hatred. I’ve been told several times that my real friends know what kind of a person I am, and will see through how everything is being twisted. I firmly believe that, because I do not become friends with unintelligent people.

 

I hope that whatever situation you are all in right now, whether it be a relationship, a job, a living arrangement, or a family situation, that you demand only the best. We all deserve to be treated well, no matter what. Anything less is unacceptable.   :)

 

xoxo

 



guest post!
16 March 2012, 4:19 pm
Filed under: looooove, nonsense | Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Hello all! Today we have a guest post by my dad… you lucky people, you. Enjoy!

Last week we noticed an upsurge of cats roaming our property. It happens periodically and I have learned to deal with it. Because they – along with raccoons and opossums rummage trash, I trap and relocate them. The cats are particularly annoying because of the prints left on my vehicles as they scratch their way across the hood, roof, and trunk.

Last week was different. I caught a small gray & white kitten and was ready to relocate it when my wife wandered out. It looked at her and started “talking”. She reached through the cage to touch it – a practice that is NOT wise – and it rubbed against her fingers. She proclaimed that, despite the lack of a collar, the animal must be someone’s pet. I was to release it “not too far away”.

Being the dutiful well trained husband, I did as told and took it across the street and back into the woods – on the other side of which there are houses. Maybe it belongs there, thought I. Then, naively, left for work.

About 3 hours later, the wife was doing laundry and the cat wandered into the laundry room and kept her company. When she left, it left and followed her around as she did some outside chores. She was in and out of the house and each time, the cat came over to greet her. When she would go inside, the cat would go back into the 1 car garage only to re-emerge for greetings each time the wife came outside. It was like a dog!

Now, I am a dog person; raised with a dachshund, went to college with a doberman, rescued a small setter/retriever early in our marriage, and tried to rescue a shepard when the kids were young. But I knew when the wife told me that she had offered the cat salmon and milk – I was going to become a cat person.

She proclaimed the animal to be a female kitten based on a quick check and its scrawny size and appearance. OK… Now it has to have a name. Just like the musical “CATS” instructs, we tried to get her to tell us her name. No would do. I even tried “Roadkill” and “Speedbump” – nothing! So, we came up with Grisabella – again from CATS – and based on her scruffy, scrawny appearance from which a beautiful cat would arise.

This is all on Saturday and we brought it inside and made plans to take it to the clinic on Tuesday for a checkup and shots. Well, on Sunday, again while I’m at work, the wife takes a closer look and sees that we have given a girl’s name to a boy kitten. Now, before you get too hysterical or proclaim us to be idiots, you have to realize that a male dog leaves no questions about his sexuality. He displays. A cat on the other-hand either has no self-esteem issues, or enjoys a game of “try to find out” with humans.

Now GrisaBella can’t be GrisaBella. So HOURS are spent researching for an appropriate name. Unlike dogs, who will answer to anything, apparently a cat has to approve the name you want to bestow upon it. We finally give into exhaustion and frustration and declare in hoarse voices that the kitten shall be called GrisaBeau. (Within hours, the kitten is due at the vet, and they become suspicious of your worthiness if you don’t even have a name for the animal.)

I have my own doctor’s appointment to go to, so I load the kitten into a cat crate (which I have laying around because I am a pack-rat and might someday have use for a cat crate). I figure that this is a bonding opportunity. We can ride together to our doctor’s appointments. But the kitten must have known that it wasn’t going to be an equal experience…

While I was going to make arrangement for a camera up the butt, he was going to get shots and arrange for a neutering. He went into the crate easily, but was restless on the journey. I swear he knew!

So the vet is looking over our stray kitten and explaining the difference between owning puppies and owning kittens, when she suddenly stops and sniggers, I assume at my ignorance. “Oh, my… (here it comes I am thinking, it IS a female and pregnant to boot) … this little boy is not a kitten. He’s somewhere between 3 & 5 years old.”

So now we are cat people. Owned by a cat named GrisaBeau who has ear mites, a scratched cornea on his right eye, ribs showing, and male-pattern-no-nads. And he is as loving, interested, and pleasant as any dog I have ever owned or met.

 



quick! name five things
14 March 2012, 11:25 am
Filed under: looooove, nonsense, therapy | Tags: , , ,

Hello again, my people! Recently I saw this post here, which stemmed from this post. Normally I scorn feel-good crap like this, but I’ve been making an effort to be more non-judgmental lately. The idea is to post five things that you love about yourself. Not garbage like ‘oh, I love little puppies and that makes me tender and compassionate! I love that I’m tender and compassionate!’. That does not count. We all love puppies. You are not special. That’s too easy, anyway. We’re looking for PHYSICAL attributes. I have a hard time with things like this. It’s so much easier to focus on the negative rather than the positive about ourselves.

I tried to do my five things off the top of my head, and was amazed at how quickly my brain jumped straight to ‘You need to lose weight. Your natural hair color is stupid. You talk too much. Your ass is fat.’ Why should this be so hard? After I forced my brain to shut the hell up, I came up with things like ‘I have a good eye for color and design. I’m creative. I’m mellow and look for the joy in life.’ That’s an improvement, but not what the game calls for. I went back to the posts mentioned above and read through what other people wrote. It was mostly women, and they said things like their feet, legs, hair, lips and nails. Okay. Getting a better idea. What I found really interesting was that only one man posted. Do men not love things about themselves? Are they too lazy to post? Are they watching football and eating steaks and fixing cars instead of reading life-affirming girly blogs? Probably a combination of all the above.

After plenty of thought, I’ve come up with my five things. I feel kind of stupid, but I always compliment other people… maybe it’s time to be nice to myself for once.

1. My eyes. I have my daddy’s eyes, and they’re SO pretty. They’re hazel; green and gold or blue-green depending on my mood and what I’m wearing.

2. My hands. They can cook amazing meals, work on cars, pet my dog, and lift weights. They’re scarred by everything from rottweiler bites to scuba diving incidents, but they’re beautiful.

This is getting a little difficult now…

3. My collarbone and shoulders. Weird, right? You’d think so, but DAMN can I rock a boatneck tee or tank top! I’m almost jealous of MYSELF.

4. My ears. I have a little hole on the side of my left earlobe. I was born with it, and nobody knows what the hell it is. I’ve never met anyone else with one, and I have to admit that I love sticking earring wires in there and feeling around the hollow in my lobe. Just because I’m a freak like that.

This is where I really got stuck. My brain began to list everything negative about me, and I really struggled to come up with one more thing.

5. My tattoos. This might be cheating because I picked them out, but I don’t care. This is MY list, so fuck off. I have a lot of tattoos, and 98% of people have no idea that I’m so massively inked. Every one of them has special meaning to me, and I’ve never felt like I was getting something added to my body when I got them. It feels like I’ve always known they were there, but Taku and Jose made it so that everyone else can see them now, too.

Okay. Done. This post took me a REALLY long time to write. I’d love to read everyone else’s top five things about themselves. Especially the menfolk. Don’t you guys love yourselves? You should, because I love you! Every one of you!




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