now is a good time to panic

get all up in there! part III

Welcome back! I’ve missed you. Each and every one of you. This is the final installment of our cooze discussion. I promise. It’s the last one.

When we left off, we had covered PAP appointments and HPV and since nobody ever wants to talk about it, I volunteer my own personal experiences to show that there’s nothing shameful in taking care of yourself and being educated about what the hell is wrong with your lady bits.

Remember how I talked about having abnormal cells running rampant, trying their damndest to turn into cancer? Every six months or so, I need to go in to the doctor’s office and they’ll do what’s called a punch biopsy. Imagine the aforementioned PAP appointment, but instead of the little swabby brush dealio, they actually put a vinegar based dye on my cervix (it is cold and stingy), then take what look like cuticle nippers and cut out little bits to send to the lab. The little bits are sent to the lab, then confirmed as pre-cancerous, then I get the phone call to come back in.

Let me interrupt the story right here for some background. Normally this is a simple outpatient procedure. The whole thing takes less then 30 minutes. After my first half dozen or so of these, I had an unfortunate experience. The doctor performing the punch biopsy messed up pretty badly. Instead of a quick little pinch when he took a cervical sample, I felt a nasty tearing. It hurt SO BADLY and there was blood everywhere. EVERYWHERE. It looked like a low budget slasher flick was filmed in the office. There was blood all over the doctor, the table, the technician, and the lower half of my body. Now just a discussion about getting another punch biopsy sends me into a panic attack. They actually have to put me under general anesthesia for any more of those appointments, or anything more serious.

Okay, back to the story. After I get the call to come back in, they schedule the more serious kind of procedure, called a LEEP. THAT procedure is super duper fun. Unless you’re a panicky freak like I am, it’s typically done on the fully conscious. They take a little wire loop with electricity running through it and actually burn off an entire layer of cells on your cervix. I’ve been told that when they do it, the room smells like hot dogs. Gross.

I’ve had this done a couple of times now, the most recent being yesterday. Let me tell you, it’s not awesome. I know all of this sounds like weird creepy medical stuff, but it’s totally common. Go get your cooters checked, ladies. All of this is a pain in the ass (cooze), but what if I hadn’t been getting checked for the past ten years? I could be dead by now from cervical cancer. It’s one of the leading causes of cancer death for women. In 2008, almost 12,500 women in the US were diagnosed with cervical cancer, and over 4,000 of them died. That’s a mortality rate of more than 30%. I have an equal amount of male and female readers, so ladies, get checked. It sucks, but it’s necessary. Men, worry about your wives, girlfriends, mothers, daughters, and female friends. This is serious shit.

Okay, we’re finished with creepy, uncomfortable discussions about girly parts… for now. I reserve the right to get creepy about anything I want in the future, though. Just so you know.


4 Comments so far
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Ya, the room smelling like hot dogs…eeeewww. Ya, I’d freak out too if the dr accidentally snipped a little too much & there was blood everywhere. I’ve actually found these last couple of posts very interesting (not that your other ones aren’t cause they are). I think women dread going to the dr to get a PAP done just because it’s the girly parts, etc., but knowing all this, it really makes you want to go get it done. Thanks for sharing this info.

Comment by triing2survive

There doesn’t seem to be a lot floating around about personal experiences… just plenty of dry facts. If I had any sense at all, I’d probably be embarrassed because of all the information I’ve been sharing. Lucky for you guys, I have zero sense. I’m glad you enjoyed my cooter series! ;)

Comment by kathelldorfer

Oh honey. I’m sorry you have to deal with this. I don’t have all this vagina-drama, and I still get all sweaty and nervous when I go in.

Comment by Jo

It’s all good. I’m used to it by now. I blame the military. None of this nonsense started until I joined the Air Force. So yeah. It’s the fault of the armed forces ;)

Comment by kathelldorfer

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