now is a good time to panic


electric fence
24 February 2012, 9:18 pm
Filed under: nonsense | Tags: , , , , , ,

Hello, my people. My dad sent me this, so I thought I would share. I read it out loud to Kathy and she laughed so hard that I thought she was going to throw up.

———


We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months
ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire
city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric
fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made
for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and
drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with
the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I’m mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big
wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the
yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the
mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out
of the way.
It seems as though I hadn’t remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I’m standing there, I’ve got the running lawnmower in my right
hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in
mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a
picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to
climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I
could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my
brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel
the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit
lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I
beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels
emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a
Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and
you’re all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3
times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality
it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big
block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I’m about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding
onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down
so I can’t let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric
fences … but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by
International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda
tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now
accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river
bottom soil. At this point I’m thinking I’m going to have to just
man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.
‘Damn!,’ I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a
loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam
in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think
‘Oh God please die …. Pleeeeaze die’. But nooooo, it settles
into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big
bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its
owner’s right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity,
standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not
take me that day…. he left me there covered in my own fluids to
writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don’t know how I got loose from the wire ….

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was
beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing,
and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid
while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I
finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow
let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few
things:

1 – Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

2 – I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt
cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 – Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as
bad as you might think.

4 – My left eye will not open.

5 – My right eye will not close.

6 – The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our
little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something,
because it was better than new after that.

7 – My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a
foot long.

8 – I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking
of the number 4 (still don’t understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for
things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always
triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the
fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to
him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which
also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

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