now is a good time to panic

adventure at the beach (in pictures)









a terrible date

So I read this dating blog called Adventures in Babysitting… Men. (Go check it out. This bitch is hilarious) It has inspired me to share a story with you. I went on a terrible date once, and my experience will entertain you, so here you go.

As a little background, I grew up in a very conservative area. The guy taking me on a date was black. I am white. In the real world, this is not a problem and nobody cares, because it’s 2012. In this area, people probably won’t say anything (probably), but they definitely notice.

First, we had to coordinate our meeting. He was going to take a break from work for about 45 minutes, and I was going to meet up with him in the middle of running my errands (which included going to the gym). He suggested going to a chain burger place, and I was okay with that, because I could just wear my hoodie and yoga pants. He insisted that since he was going to be dressed nicely in work clothes, I also had to be dressed nicely. Workout gear was not acceptable. I pointed out (reasonably, I feel), that if he was taking me to a burger joint, I am not dressing up. We went back and forth for another minute before he realized that yes, I am totally serious, and then he decided on a gourmet wine and sandwich shop.

I dress nicely, in a pink dress with gold jewelry/gold skinny belt/gold clutch and brown riding boots. I looked adorable. I get there like two minutes late and he’s already there. Good sign. He’s on the phone when I walk in, and when I get to the table he KEEPS TALKING. He didn’t greet me or stand up or anything. I stood there, waiting to be acknowledged for about THREE MINUTES. That’s a long ass time to stand there like an asshole. I begin a mental debate between how hungry I am vs how much rudeness I’m willing to subject myself to. Just as I’m about to turn around and leave, he hangs up. He says hello and I sit down… but still didn’t stand up or pull out my chair or hug me or anything.

He starts talking about work and I finally interrupt to ask if someone is going to bring us a menu or what. He says no, there’s menus at the counter and that’s where you order food. I ask where the counter is and he points in its general direction (really? He couldn’t walk me the fifteen steps to the counter and show me how this works?). I get up and when he stays seated, I ask if he’s going to eat. He said yes, but he ALREADY ORDERED. Are you fucking serious. I ordered and came back to the table and he keeps talking, checking his phone every two or three minutes… because clearly I’m boring.

It all got worse from there. I mentioned that this was in a conservative, racist, republican area. As we’re eating, some lady and her husband come in. She stares at me, then my date, them me, then my date. Her husband is whatever about it, but she’s clearly upset. My date busts out all loud with ‘YES, SHE’S WHITE AND I’M BLACK. IS THAT OKAY?’ Jesus fucking Christ.
I don’t feel I need to keep going with this. You get the idea. It was terrible. That is all for today. Reliving my crap date was punishment for abandoning you guys for a while. I missed you, and it’s nice to be back.

near death by basketball

I almost died at the gym. Some guys were playing basketball close to where I get my towels. I was walking by and one guy missed a pass and I nearly got hit in the face with the ball. Some other dude palmed it in the air like three inches from my beautiful nose and saved my life.

If my face gets ruined, then I’ll have to rely on my personality to get by in life… then I’m fucked, because I’m kind of an asshole.

PS: I made that comment to my dad and he laughed in my face and asked ‘you think you’ve gotten this far in life on THOSE looks?!’ Thanks, dad. At least I come by my assholery honestly.

culinary wonder…the final installment

…continued from culinary wonder part I, part II, part III, part IV, part V, part VI, part VII, and part VIII

Theresa gives up on her job and starts looking for another one. She finds a nice one within a week. A few days after she started, she got off shift and walked to the bar across the street, intending on only having one cocktail. Another cook shows up and she ends up drinking the night away with her friend instead of going home. She had about five double shots and a few beers, then they took an 18 pack home with them. The next day they were both off, so they drank the entire day; until about 1700/1800 the next day. Her coworker took her home and instead of being dropped off at her parents’ house, she goes to the pub down the street. The pub closes she starts to walk home with a fifth of Jack. She was woken up the next morning by her father. She had made it home, and passed out on the porch without shoes or her cell phone or cigarettes. She stumbled upstairs and slept the entire day.


The next day, she goes into work for business as usual and the manager calls her into his office… and gives her a raise. That was a month ago, and she hasn’t had a drink since. She’s been doing nothing but working and saving money and is going to join the German in his new restaurant in a few months. She’s nervous about calling him, because she knows he’ll be disappointed in her. She’s been reassured by his second in command that as long as she keeps herself together, there’s a place waiting for her. She’s estimating about three more months before she can afford to go start her new job.


Theresa is now focused on getting structure back in her life, starting a routine, and planning for her new life. She works almost every day, and her days off are spent studying molecular gastronomy… definitely a 180 from where she was six months ago. Things are finally starting to look up.

culinary wonder part VIII

…continued from culinary wonder part I, part II, part III, part IV, part V, part VI, and part VII


The entire night before and subsequent ride to the airport, Theresa is worrying. It’s the end of her professional career, she’s going to stay with her parents with whom she does not get along at all (especially her father), and her life is falling apart. As soon as she gets to the airport, she finds a bar. Sitting in the bar, she pounds a few drinks, then stumbles to her gate. She boards the plane and then passes out as soon as she gets to her seat. When she lands at her home airport, the thought of her dad waiting to pick her up sends her into a panic and she finds another bar to order a few drinks before he arrives.


Her father shows up before she has time to become completely shitfaced. He could probably tell she had been drinking, but he didn’t say anything. They had a sappy reunion (which Theresa credits to a combination of booze and missing home) consisting of her bursting into tears, dropping her bags, and throwing her arms around her father. They throw her stuff in the back of the car, and go home. The ride home was mostly quiet, with a little conversation. When they arrived, Theresa slept for almost two days. All her parents ask is that she not drink or do any drugs while she’s at home with them.


Within a few days of returning home, Theresa went back to the first restaurant she ever worked in, and was instantly rehired. She worked there and immediately started hanging out with her old crowd. She’d go a week without drinking, then binge with her friends. Not just getting a nice little tipsy buzz, but full on, balls to the wall blackout. This lasted two months. She’d come home drunk from work and her parents would be pissed, and she’s drink before work. Her job gradually stopped putting her on the schedule, and used the excuse of ‘business is just slow right now’.She talked to her manager and he confessed that it was because of her drinking and unreliability. One day she finds her dad’s Everclear and drank so much that her mom had to call in sick at work for her the next day. After she sobered up, she didn’t drink for a day and immediately started to withdraw. She couldn’t get out of bed by herself, and had to even ask for help while showering. The withdrawal lasted for 72 hours.

culinary wonder part VII

…continued from culinary wonder part I, part II, part III, part IV, part V and part VI

(At this point in the narrative, Theresa wants to make it clear that she should have taken time to unwind after work, or found more productive ways to deal with the stress and the triggers other than drinking. She confessed that she was taking things too personally at work and at home, and was letting things that she had no control over get to her. Now she’s learned to let things go more easily and to not obsess over problems that she couldn’t fix. She maintains that if she had learned this skill growing up, then she thinks that a huge number of her problems would have been avoided. Not all of them, but things would have been very different. She wasn’t happy cooking anymore, and she’d already been taken off of her anti-depressents, and then things began to escalate again)


She tried her hardest for a long time to hide the fact that she had started drinking again, but the resort community is a small one, and soon people started to figure it out. She would attempt to drink one or two beers out at the bar where people could see her, and then go home and pound a 12 pack. She’d pass out in different places, or make it home and pass out in the hallway with her front door wide open. She was spending huge amounts of money and things were going downhill again.


One day she came in reeking of liquor and one of the higher ups sent her home for the day. They asked what she was doing, and why she’s doing this again… and Theresa says that she didn’t have an answer; there is no reason. She was just depressed and dealing with it poorly. One morning soon after she woke up as normal, and went to get her paycheck, then find a liquor store. She bought a half pint of whiskey and a six pack of pints of beer. She thought ‘This’ll be good for a buzz before work’. She gets home and cleans the house, drinking the entire time. Along with the whiskey and the beer, she drinks some vodka that she found in her kitchen. She gets dressed and then blacks out. She was supposed to be at work at 1400, but instead wakes up on her kitchen floor wearing her chef’s whites while a human resource director is leaning over her. The HR director tells her that the maintenance guy comes to fix the a/c and thinks Theresa is dead, and runs to the nearest office. The HR woman talks to Theresa, and they conclude that Theresa  has a rough past, her uncle is dying, she’s severely overworked, and she hasn’t been home or seen her family in years. They agree that Theresa should go home for a few months and pull herself together. She bought a plane ticket, packed up her chef’s knives and some clothes, and gave away the rest of her belongings. 12 hours later, she was passed out on the floor again, and is woken up (again) by the HR director for her ride to the airport. She gets on the plane at 0600 the next morning.

culinary wonder part VII
11 October 2012, 12:00 pm
Filed under: food! | Tags: , ,

…continued from culinary wonder part I, part II, part III, part IV, part V and part VI


Nobody knows why the German has put in his notice. Theresa has been working off the clock to help keep up with the workload, and she runs into him one night. The German asks to speak to her ‘about life’ sometime at the end of the week. She already has 100,000 things on her mind and is trying to maintain her sanity. She steps outside to smoke and tries to figure out what the hell he’s talking about. Finally her impatience gets the better of her and she texts him, begging to know what’s going on. She gets a smiley face in response and is told that he’ll see her in two days. Two anxious days come and go, and they meet in the employee cafeteria for their talk. 


The German asks her what her life’s plans are. Theresa responds that she’s not planning on staying the the resort for much longer, especially now that he’s leaving. She doesn’t agree with how the place is run, how overworked the employees are, and she’s worried about snapping. She doesn’t mind working hard, and for long hours, but she does mind being taken advantage of, and she’s concerned about the direction that the resort is heading. He told her he understands exactly where she’s coming from. The German is opening up his new chain of restaurants, and he wants Theresa to join him. She just needs to keep her chin up and bide her time there for a few more months.


The German left a month after the court ordered appointments ended. Everything at work began going downhill, and Theresa started drinking again to deal with the stress.Now that she’s started drinking again, it’s game on. She picked up right where she left off, drinking before work, over lunch, and to straight blackout every night when she got off.

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